Welcome Home, Anger
Before we entered therapy today, we could feel our cheeks burning, our heart racing, our chest tightening, and our muscles engaging. We could also feel fear and nervousness…not the panic we experienced before, but the uncertainty of not knowing what was going to happen.
We shared with M the sensations we were feeling, and she asked us to let it be so, and to hold space for it. We took some deep breaths with long exhales to tell our system it was OK to feel like it. When I opened my eyes, there was Anger, standing in the common area, with eyes darting around, as if to say, “How the hell did I get here?” This rather short and plain looking part stood rigid before the system, with eyes darting to and fro trying to determine how they would be received, and appearing to hold their breath.
At first, I couldn’t tell whether Anger was male or female, but somehow it seemed like they were both. I rubbed my eyes, trying to figure out if this was really happening or if it was a dream, and when I did, I noticed that Anger had two profiles, like two-sides of a coin. One was of our father as a teenager, and one was us a teenager. I kept shaking my head, trying to clear the cobwebs, but this was really happening.
There were those who were afraid, but still curious, which is a really good sign. M told those parts that they could move further away from Anger to a place that felt safe enough for them. That was really powerful, and I think it laid the foundation for the rest of the magic that happened in therapy today.
Others never met this long-lost relative called Anger, so they were a bit curious. They heard stories but they just seemed like folklore and tall tales to them, but now, before them, stood the one who was greatly feared by many in the system. Some parts said, “This is it? This is the big, scary part called, Anger?…hmm.”
M welcomed this new part into her office and explained who she was, that she was the counselor of the system and how she helps us with many difficult things. Anger could not look at M. They stood frozen in the midst of the system. M also explained that it was 2025, but that information could not be received by them. They were not in Now Time. M asked them when was the last time they felt anger and it was like 1982 or 1983. That was a long time ago. M said that was OK that they did not receive that information, that everyone in the system was allowed to choose.
Anger looked really uncomfortable, but interestingly enough, didn’t appear angry. As the host, I welcomed them back home. When they heard that they were welcomed back within the system, they started to cry. I was not expecting that. I told them that they were allowed to feel whatever they felt, that all feelings were welcome. Then, M told them that they didn’t have to hold it in any more. This touched someplace deep in their heart and they began to sob and rock. They were still holding their breath, and I think M was a little concerned about that, so she asked them to breathe.
M invited them to provide words to share what was happening for them, but they were not able to do that. M asked Anger whether they would be open to having some comfort from the system, and they nodded, “yes.” So, everyone moved closer to them and provided what looked like a safe container. Anger didn’t look angry at all, they looked sad, and the rest of the system was not afraid of sadness.
Anger still could not speak, but somehow I knew what was happening for them. They were sad because they were sent away from the system because they felt angry about what happened to us. They felt rejected. As they continued to sob, it appeared that they had an intense pain above their left eyebrow. M noticed and asked what that pain was communicating. Anger responded with “It hurts…it hurts to hold it in.”
M said that they didn’t need to hold it in anymore…then they really started sobbing. They began taking deep breaths and exhaling long, controlled exhales. M kept encouraging them to let it out, to not hold it in. They became calmer the more they released the pressure they felt from holding it in for so long.
Once they stopped crying and regained their composure, the the exhaustion came. All they could do was sigh and breathe… and that was enough for today. They came into M’s office briefly and M told them that we were in Charlotte, NC and asked what they thought about that. They said, they never heard of it.
M told us that we did a lot of really big work today, and that we should take it easy and rest. We were so glad that it’s Thanksgiving week and that we have some vacation.
After something like this happens in therapy, I seem to replay the scene over and over again in my head, like football players reviewing game film. I can take a step back to observe what was happening at the time…which is why I love the nifty controllers that M had us add to the meeting room. I am trying to make sense of it all.
I was surprised by Anger having two profiles, it was like they were a mirror of each other. We know that our father suffered some sort of abuse as a child and he was angry about it, but was not able to share it with anyone because of shame. He kept it all inside for years and the pressure kept building. When things in Now Time would trigger the anger, a big release would happen, and it hurt those around him…like us.
Our father’s anger did not belong to us, so we, as a system, chose not to allow it in our system…so Anger became a single profile once again.
We could see that we were starting to follow the same path as our father, by holding it in and not allowing our anger to be present in our system. It wasn’t Anger’s fault. She was appropriately angry about what happened to us because an injustice had been done, but the system could not allow her to release the anger because it triggered the father’s anger/rage, which was not safe for us, so she was banished to the dungeon and forgotten about.
Whenever the sensations associated with anger came up in our system, we would quickly send it to the dungeon because we were afraid it would it would trigger our father’s anger. After a while, we started to associate the anger and fear together, just like some survivors associate their triggers with fear.
We forgot the reason Anger was banished to the dungeon. When we started questioning why Anger was still in the dungeon when the threat actor had passed away decades ago, we remembered that she was sent there for our protection and that it was the fear that held us back from inviting Anger to come back. With M’s help and encouragement, we were able to invite Anger back into the system and to make space for her.
The sadness and sobbing was her releasing years and years of rejection and abandonment from our system. Body, in particular, knew how she felt about being welcomed back into the system…welcomed back home, as only another restored outcast could know. Their similar experience brought them together like long-lost friends.
There seems to be an emotional connection between Body and Anger, and we suspect this is the reason God held Body back from processing her part…because she needed Anger to enable the processing. This is going to be interesting to watch, and it looks like we are going to get a lot of practice holding space for Anger in our system.
This was a super powerful and healing therapy session. We are really grateful for M teaching us how we can maintain a sense of safety in our system while still allowing room for Anger. For now, we are just going to let the dust settle and support Anger, as she gets reacquainted with the home she was banished from so very long ago.
Welcome Home, Anger.