The System Within The System

One Parts Journey of Learning Leadership Skills

Photo by Noyo creatif on Unsplash

We wrote a blog last month called “Learning to Listen When Someone Hits the Brakes,” which discussed how a part of a subsystem hit the brakes on the bus and wouldn’t allow our system to move forward because they were not being heard by their host.

We’ve been so busy preparing for the conference, meeting critical deadlines at work, and introducing a new product in our coaching business that this topic has taken a backseat to everything else. It was deprioritized, which makes perfect sense, because we only have so much capacity, right?

Now that the dust has settled and the system has once again quieted down, this issue has risen to the top, just like cream rises to the top in non-homogenized milk. We did not have therapy this week because M was on vacation, but that doesn’t mean that the work stops. We’ve discovered over the years that our ability to journal is a pretty effective way to process things, and that sometimes we can work through things on our own… but not always. Some things do need another human to witness them to provide a different perspective.

This week, we had a doctor’s appointment, which included a follow-up on how we’ve been doing with the weight-loss medication. Body, the host of one of our subsystems, has been struggling with the decision about whether to continue taking the medicine or not.

I called an emergency meeting this week to discuss it because the counterbalancing that was occurring in Body’s system was beginning to impact the rest of the system.

At the beginning of the meeting, I asked Body if she had anything that she wanted to share. She eloquently told the story about how she learned that she had her own system, went into denial because she didn’t want it to be true, and her feelings of frustration related to the complexity of it all. She also shared how it started to make sense to her about why losing weight seemed so complicated. She noticed that the work we did to unburden Bodyguard caused her system to put on more weight to counteract the unburdening. She said that it was like a bomb on top of a pressure plate, that if not properly balanced, would set it off.

She told her system that she was starting to understand why they were working so hard to maintain that balance, and apologized to them for making the initial decision to take the medicine without their consent. (Now that’s real leadership).

She said that after hearing their point of view, she was questioning whether we should continue taking the medicine. Their previous pushback was around not being consulted about taking the medicine, but that doesn’t mean that they didn’t agree with the decision, so she opened up the discussion for debate.

She explained that one of the reasons she initially decided to take the medicine in the first place was because it was supposed to help or amplify the hunger signals to our brain so that we notice when we are full faster. She reminded them that they still have parts that have not had their connection fully restored, and this is one of them. She said that in order for her subsystem to be fully restored, this is a required connection.

She said that she’s been noticing how much pressure was being put on the system’s safety measures by the decision to go back to the gym to work with a trainer, along with dieting and taking the medicine. She apologized because even though she could not see the danger that they see around losing weight, that does not mean it is not a valid concern. She admitted that she did not have access to see what they were seeing, but that she was willing to trust them.

She asked if any of her parts would be willing to share with her what they were seeing, so she could understand, but also told them that it was OK if they didn’t trust her enough to share those scary things with her right now. They did not feel safe enough to share them without M’s support, because they trust M more than her, at the moment. She admitted to not having earned their trust and suggested that time would provide the evidence they needed to be able to trust her.

She asked them if it would be helpful if she stopped putting pressure on them to lose weight by going to the gym and dieting, and just focused on reestablishing the connections to our brain and restoring our ability to make choices about when we’ve had enough.

I was just watching this interaction take place, and what I noticed was the look of shock on all their faces that she heard them, believed that their concerns were valid, and was willing to take action to consider their feelings. I noticed them asking each other whether this was for real. She asked if they were willing to continue taking the medicine if she took a break with the trainer for right now. All they could do was nod in consent.

She took out our phone and sent a message to the trainer right then and there that we were going to take a break because we had some personal things to work through. Jaw dropping…that’s what I saw.

Then she apologized to them again. She said, “I am so, so sorry, y’all. You’ve been working so hard to keep us safe and I just couldn’t see it. I am going to believe you…that you are doing your jobs. Are we good?” She saw the heads nod and thanked them for coming to the emergency meeting, and then told them that they were allowed to leave, but that she was going to stick around to talk to me (Scribe).

We had a little debrief after the meeting and I told her that she did a great job facilitating the meeting for the first time, and asked her how she felt.

She said, “I was nervous at first, but as I told the story of how we got to this point, I began to relax. Having a system of my own makes so much sense when it comes to how complicated this has been. It makes sense when I see the counterbalancing that went on when I tried to lose weight in the past. I do not have access to what they are seeing…it’s like it’s just outside my grasp. I can see now that until they feel safe, shedding this fat suit will not be possible. I have a sense that they are not operating in Now Time, so I suspect that will be part of the work that is ahead of us. I also don’t know yet how many parts we are talking about.

Recently, I’ve been getting some ESP or knowing from a little part…I don’t know if it is a part of my system, though I suspect it is, around potty training. Oh boy, there is a lot of fear there. Fear of making a mistake. I have no memory of potty training myself, but I can clearly see the strong fear around making a mistake with our bladder throughout our life. Wow, Scribe, we have a lot of work to do. This is going to take forever.”

I reminded her that this is going to take as long as it takes, and that she doesn’t have to do this alone. We are all in this together. We will support each other and M will help us get it sorted. I asked her not to worry because I have her and the Lord has all of us.

Wow!!! That was a lot. So much for not having therapy, huh?

I am so amazed by how far Body has come in her ability to lead her own system. It has been about a month since we penned that last article, and she has gone from denial, to grief, to downcast, to leaning into the leadership role. That is a lot of growth in a really short time. As her friend and peer, I am so proud of the work she did this week.

None of this is really solved yet, but we’ll see what M says when she returns from vacation and hears about all the things we’ve been working on since she was gone. Ahhh….system life…ya gotta love it, right?